The lighter side: creative work excuses
This week, HR Blunders featured an item about the lengths some people will go to avoid work. If you've worked in HR for long, you've certainly heard many "creative" excuses for being late or calling in sick.
And while on the topic of work excuses - The Washington Post runs an enjoyable reader participation column called the Style Invitational. Several years ago - April 1994, to be exact - they ran a column in which they invited readers to submit their suggestions for the best excuses to miss a day of work. The results were pretty funny. We can't locate the exact archive online, but we had kept a copy, which we pass along for your amusement.
Best excuses to miss a day of work
- If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
- My stigmata's acting up.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.